(Soon-to-be) Full of Beans!

THE AWAITED DAY HAS COME!!! It is a strange feeling to know that this strange event is almost over. Today, I woke up and felt oddly refreshed for the first time in ages. And the feeling persisted throughout the day. I felt no cravings, no lack of energy or tiredness. It was as though, on this very last day, that I have finally kicked the habit. OR! My body is responding to this near-end of exile and pumping out endorphins or something to make me feel extra good about the end being nigh.

So what are my conclusions, here at the end of the month? Well, I am far more addicted to coffee than I thought I was. It took me nearly a month to feel I had kicked the habit, and even then I am not so sure I did. Every drowsy pang of doubt I had passing by a cafe would seem to confirm this. I have noticed that, because habits die hard, that I was drinking a lot of other beverages in its place, which has meant I have been far more hydrated. So let's call that a draw.

Second? Coffee makes me HAPPY. Without it, and a total lack of sunlight, I have been remorseful at best and horridly depressed at the worst. Coffee is not a CURE to these feelings, but it sure as hell is a welcome salve. I cast about looking for other methods of coping, but none were to be found. I mean, I survived, but miserably. So we'll call that a loss.

Finally, I realize coffee (and my overconsumption of such) causes me to be overly anxious. What I perceived to be extra energy and vigour was more jumpiness than anything. I am aware now that I am much better able to relax and it has probably been easier for me to get to sleep and get a proper rest than it was a month ago. That is partly conjecture, but it seems to be true. So that's a win!

SO we have one draw, a loss, and a win. A massive draw. Unlike last month, when I determined unequivocally that having sugar was worse than NOT having sugar in my life. This month, I can't say if I am worse off with rather than without. But I feel the lesson here is moderation, rather than abolition. Coffee was not the problem, but rather my overconsumption of such. I was not an addict, but definitely an over-user. So my goal will be a slow reintegration.
 
And that was February! I have made preparations for the next month long challenge as well, buying some groceries to help me achieve it. Rules will be forthcoming tomorrow, when I officially roll out...the month of the vegan!

Nearing The End

The Second-To-Last Day! What a rush that knowledge is to me! Despite no longer feeling a growling, feral craving, I nonetheless am feeling mental cravings. Anytime I am tired, exhausted, or simply bored, I remember that large coffee shaped hole in my life.

Some days it was a barely noticeable loss, and others I felt positively wretched. But the loss was always noticeable to me, but I cannot discern if this was simply a matter of my being hyper aware of the situation or an actual craving with which my body was contending. All I know is, there were some moments I could barely contain myself, and very nearly snuck a coffee here or there. It did NOT happen, however.

When conditions are good, when the weather is warm and sunny and I am active, it was very manageable. When the weather was bad, gray, cloudy, and cold, then I would find myself obsessing over what the loss. It is for serious that I say I could only give this up for a month or two at a time, and even then with difficulty. The counting down was one of the main coping mechanisms I used. With just 26 (or so) hours left, I am contemplating a midnight coffee tomorrow night as a celebration. Decaf, of course. 1 day left!

Winter Blues

To be frank, I've felt terrible these past few days, which is why I haven't been posting lately. A sudden recurrence of extreme cold coupled with gray and overcast days has really done a number on me. I have felt especially low, in a shut-the-curtains-and-live-in-a-cave sort of way. I thought the worst of winter was past, but it hasn't. Not quite yet.

I bring this up to explain not only a lack of recent posts but also make a post point. I am definitely a sufferer of Seasonal Affective Disorder (or "SAD", perhaps the most appropriate acronym ever constructed). When the weather is cold a sunlight is scarce, it hits me. Hard. One of my coping mechanisms has always been drinking coffee, of other hot beverages. This month, my options have been severely limited, and it shows.

Even as I write this, feeling better than I have in the past few days, I feel utterly drained and barely functional. It's as if I were running on auto-pilot, my brain functions providing pre-programmed responses. Coffee is not the problem here, or a lack thereof. But it may have been part of the solution. Soon enough, it will be again. Just three more days, folks.

Soda

The best and easiest way to cheat the system this month is to drink caffeine free soda. I get the same (sort of) taste but without breaking the rules. That is, if I can find any. For the course of the last month, I been on a never ending (half hearted) mission to find a viable drink alternative. Everywhere I look, it is simply not possible to find caffeine free soda. Well, caffeine free soda is easy enough, but cola is not.

Juices, soda, milk and other beverages are all delicious and I drink them all regularly, but they don't satisfy the craving at all, which is what this is really all about. Although, realistically, I know this isn't possible. And I don't want to replace one vice with another, if at all possible.

But it's still going well! Unlike the last two times I attempted to give up coffee, this has been a smashing success so far. I don't feel miserable or unable to cope and remain in a good mood (mostly). The reverse was true the last two attempts.

Just one week to go! 

Aromas

Supposing I actually make it to the end of the month (which seems likely), I don't think I will say I have been able to avoid the real issue behind my caffeine addiction. Even though I have successfully avoided  it all month, I still have not kicked the habit really. Coffee is out of my system, but I still crave it, still have moments when I really want to drink it.

True, I have managed to get this far without incident. But I really feel as though I could not continue down this road indefinitely.  I am still as much adduced to coffee as I was before. At least I can say I was able to reduce the cravings, and perhaps even the dosage. I have noticed the aroma of coffee seems much more potent to me now. When I was a kid, coffee beans had such an overwhelming odour, like beer or wine or something. Just totally overwhelming. I recently went to a coffee shop (for a hot chocolate!) and the smell of the fresh coffee beans was exactly the same as it was when I was a kid. One of those sense memory things, like when you smell something that takes you right back to a particular moment in time.

If nothing else, this month has been a success, for it gave me one such moment of nostalgia soaked past.

Gray Days

I was severely lacking sleep, and that fact, combined with yet another snow storm meant I was feeling particularly low all day, very listless and grumpy. I really craved some kind of a jolt, but none were forthcoming. On my way home from work, I bought a little chocolate to see if it would help, and it sort of did. But this morning I was feeling pretty beastly. 

Coffee helps me deal with a lack of sunlight that can be the trademark of this time of year. I can get into a funk pretty easily around this time, but I've been lucky so far, and it's only happened in the past couple of days or so. Not that there is a coffee based solution to this, or that the coffee was problem. But it could help a tiny bit, you know? But it's hardly an earth shattering difference. Maybe just missing the habit? I guess we'll find out soon enough! 10 days to go!

Tea Time

Today I faltered, though completely unintentionally. Let me explain. Tonight we went to Chinatown for dinner, as it is a holiday and if there's one thing you can count on, it's somewhere in Chinatown being open, no matter what the day or time.

We found our spot and ordered quickly. Without thinking I poured my girlfriend and I a cup of the watery black tea that is the staple of all Chinatown restaurants. Before I had even thought about it I had downed a cup and a half of it. Obviously, this is not the end of the world, due to the extreme weakness of the tea ( I didn't even feel the least effect!), but I still feel I violated the spirit of this month's arrangement. But what can you do? An honest mistake is an honest mistake.

Speaking of tea, to keep myself going at work, I have partaken in a few cups of herbal tea. Unlike me, my girlfriend is a staunch tea drinker, so there is always ample amounts around. One of my main complaints about tea (herbal ones especially) is they simply don't have a strong enough flavour. I don't mean just in contrast to coffee drinks, although this is certainly true. I mean all drinks. It is very weak, which I suppose is the appeal? Anyway, it isn't for me. Another big letdown where tea is concerned is the smell. Tea always has amazingly aromatic aromas and names. Yet when you actually drink it, it is nowhere near as bold a flavor on your tongue. A big letdown.

Well, that's enough picking on tea today! 11 days folks!  

Chocolate To The Rescue, Part Two

For the second time, chocolate has saved my butt and provided me an alternative to my poison of choice. As is typical on a Sunday, I felt particularly lethargic all day, not wanting to go out or do anything for most of the day. And so I didn't, until I realized the sun was going to go down and I hurried outside. Despite the biting cold, I continued to feel sleepy and trudged along listlessly. I had some lunch but that was no help; neither was getting a little sunlight.

It was only after we stopped for chocolate that I found my solution. Soma Chocolatemaker (last mentioned in Sugarless January) has a chocolate bar that is made with 100% cocoa beans and no sugar or other additives. This may not seem immediately applicable, but once I tasted it, I knew I had found a kind of solution. The pure chocolate, when you sucked on it, tasted almost sorta kinda like coffee, and gave you the same sensation but without the jolt. As you let it melt in your mouth (pure chocolate doesn't melt the same way as a chocolate bar), the cocoa beans taste like coffee beans, then cherry, and finally chocolate. I don't recommend it to everyone; it's very different from your average milk chocolate bar. But it's definitely got some craving-satisfying elements that I appreciate..or that I can appreciate for another 12 days or so!

Saving More Than Beans

I'm saving money! At least, I MUST be! You see, one of the most money draining habits I have is buying coffee while I'm out and about. I buy cups, especially if it's a coffee shop I'ver never tried before. In Toronto, that leaves a lot of open options. I also buy beans at a fairly frantic pace. I don't tend to drink coffee at home except in the morning. But I drink (drank, will drink) enough to go through about a pound every 2 weeks. This rabid consumption adds up to a lot of money being spent. And while my Hot chocolate consumption has definitely risen, it's nowhere near my coffee levels.

Let's be honest: I will absolutely go back to drinking coffee immediately upon month's end. But I have largely kicked the habit I believe. I have cravings but they are not anything I can't handle so far. Where I really run into trouble is in the early morning, when you are tired and just want to go back to bed. It's especially bad going to work and not having got enough sleep. That's when your body really screams out for a java or two. The desire is super strong, and I keep finding myself thinking about it. It hasn't happened yet, so I guess I'm still hanging in there!

13 days to go!?!? I've never been so glad it's not a leap year..

Shifting Tastes

I think I've reached a plateau at last. Although I still have an intense mental cravings for coffee, I no longer have any physical cravings. I can walk by a coffee shop and not wish I was inside. I even had a hot chocolate at one yesterday and it was no big deal!

Another interesting development: my relationship with chicory drink. At first, I tasted a distinctly coffee like flavour, albeit weaker. After a couple of weeks of drinking it and also not drinking coffee, I find it to taste completely different now. It has more of a wheaty taste and texture to me now, when I taste anything at all. Since I've been drinking so much of it, not only am I sick of it, but I need to add more and more of it to a cup in order to get it to taste like anything. Perhaps when I return to drinking coffee in March, I will need to drink a mix of coffee and chicory, to reintroduce it to my system.

Dry Times

The heat is getting to me. An odd statement in the dead of winter to be sure. But I'm not talking about outside; I mean inside. I suspect it's true in all the places that receive snow and cold weather, but in Canada as soon as it's the least bit cold, everyone jacks up the heat to crazy proportions. This means if you're dressed even remotely warm, you will be sweltering soon. It also means you dry out and get cotton mouth a lot sooner.

This is the problem I now face at work. Beyond a lack of artificial caffeine stimulus, I am also drained physically by the artificial warmth that makes my skin itchy and dry while constantly making me thirsty. Add to that the fact I am sitting most of the day and you can understand why I am useless by mid afternoon.

I'm afraid my stop gap measure has been to increase my sugar intake. Not intentionally of course, but I am already a long way off from when I was barely able to finish a cookie on the first of the month. My sugar consumption has had a massive spike, as I look for something to give me a pick me up through the day. I've had two hot chocolates in the past three days and innumerable pastries. Clearly, I need to cut back. Again. You can successfully break one habit, but be careful of what replaces it!

Physically Demanding

Coffee does not give you energy, or make you feel more awake. The feeling of alertness that coffee causes is due to the fact it causes your heart to beat faster, causing your body to be tricked into temporarily responding as though you had received an adrenaline rush.

This is something I could have sorely used today. Up until now, most of my work has been administrative, or if physical only for a very short time. As such,  the lack of caffeine has only had a minimal effect of my work life. No more.

I also work as a server in a restaurant, which anyone can tell you is a fairly physically demanding job. You are on your feet 8, 10, sometimes 12 hours in day, sometimes without a single break (no time). Only a quick smoke break (if you're into that kind of thing), a wolfed down meal, or a hastily chugged coffee to help sustain you.

I don't smoke, and never have. I can certainly devour a meal with the best of them, but my number one solace is coffee. Whenever I start to drag my feet or feel tired, a quick coffee will help turn the tide.

Today I worked a fairly average shift of around 6 hours, but I was totally dead off my feet by the end of it. This is in part because I had worked the evening before and basically came home and went right back the next day. That would typically tire me out, but what made the difference is no coffee. Without a midway pick-me-up or two, I had nothing to pick me up and I felt every sore spot in my legs throughout the day. I actually came the closest I have so far to cracking and drinking some, feeling so lethargic and lacking options that I didn't know what else to do.

I didn't, of course. I drank another cup of hot chamomile, tore into my lunch, and waited for another day of caffeine-less life to be over.

Conspiracy Theory

What if it's all just in my mind? I mean, what if I have no addiction to caffeine?

This is a though that suddenly occurred to me yesterday after I finished with the day's blog post. It seemed at first that my misery was based on a very physical chemical dependency. I was an addict, much like any recovering junkie, who was looking for a fix. I had cleaned it out of my body, but not my mind. But what if it was never in my mind at all?

Suppose the effects I am feeling now are being caused entirely by my mind, which is simply used to the habit of drinking coffee and is upset that I am breaking the routine. Routine is something I believe strongly in, a way of reprogramming the mind. For instance, if you want to be less shy at a party, you chew gum and say over and over again to yourself that the gum helps you to be less shy. If you say it over and over again, you convince yourself it's true, simply through repetition.

However, this is a deliberate act I perform. What if I was doing something similar with coffee unconsciously? You see, whenever I drink coffee, it is usually to help me relax. A bit contradictory, I know. But I tend to drink it during my leisure time. So maybe I convinced myself that I need coffee in order to relax and I can't properly relax without it. My mind is freaking out, and over nothing! Perhaps this is more akin to a smoker needing to keep their mouth busy after they quit.

The Chicory drink has stopped working so well for me. I have slowly been adding more and more teaspoons of the concoction to every cup I drink, in order to give it a stronger flavour. But now, the taste is very strong but not in any way improved. And since I drink it constantly, I am already sick of it. It doesn't keep well, and to drink it cold is abominable.

So that's where we're at: I'm making up crackpot theories about caffeine addiction and drinking muddy cold concoctions. 20 more days folks!

Your Experience May Vary

I realize that since I went off caffeine my posts have had an additional dose of complaining. That I can't really help. I'm looking to create a record of whatever effects a lack of coffee will have on me. So far, it seems like I was far more addicted than I thought, since it has an almost constant effect on me.

Everyday, I feel physically or mentally drained. Or both. Now, the crappy weather is certainly a factor. I know I'm in a blacker mood when the weather is gray. For instance, yesterday I had a job interview, and I could feel I wasn't as sharp as I could be. But it is an ongoing effect. Not every minute of every day. But still frequently.

In lighter (and infinitely more personal) news, I am finding it harder to use the bathroom! You see, coffee and tea have diuretics which make you have to go to the bathroom a bit more frequently. Without them, I am much less predictable, if I can put that delicately. My body is still adjusting to the lack of caffeine in many ways!

Zombieland

Today was rough, really rough. Disclosure: once a week, I work an office job for the government. That's where I was today. After a long and tired journey in a snowstorm, my spirits were low. My job there is helping to establish an in-house library by cataloguing all their books. So after travelling through a blizzard, I spent the day in a windowless room that was deathly quiet. Only the hum of the shitty halogen lights were there to keep me company.

All of these factors, combined with NO coffee, meant I was feeling very blue the whole day, unable to focus on tasks and generally sleepy. The minutes fairly crawled by, with no end in sight. I kept getting distracted and off track. Truly, office jobs are the reason coffee was invented. Because office workers are apparently afraid of the outdoors, the heat was jacked way up as well, meaning I was dehydrated all day too. I drank plenty of water, but I remained thirsty. When I went on my lunch break, it felt like I was stumbling out into a barren, snowy wasteland. I was a zombie by the end of the day and simply felt numb in every way. 23 more days to go folks!

More Of The Same, But Different

How am I doing? I'm tired, although I feel less mentally fatigued than yesterday, when I felt like a shadow of my former self. Today I was in a good mood, thanks to warmer weather (for winter, anyway) and actually getting to be out in the sun during the day. But again I woke up tired, as though I hadn't gotten enough sleep. But I purposely got my square 8 to make sure I was rested. Normally you actually rise out of bed, shake the sleep out of your eyes, and shower. That tends to be enough to get you started on your day.

Not so for me today. The feeling of fatigue never really disappeared, and the longer I was awake and working, the more this feeling persisted as grew. Especially as I grew more physically tired. But my mood was bright, and I was back to my quipping old self. I even got  in a couple of zingers!

I'm forced to wonder if this is going to be the pattern for the next few days: one day of mental fatigue followed by a day of physical fatigue. Perhaps a combination of the two, going back and forth throughout the day. I really wonder if it's caffeine addiction from which I am suffering, or merely a mental craving leading me to feel more wretched than normal. I guess time will tell. It is still mighty pleasant to sip my hot chicory drink as I write this, but a cookie just doesn't hold the liquid as well as a cup of coffee. I'm going to try tea tomorrow, to see if it can fill the niche that coffee previously held. Wish me luck!

Brain Drain

Still feeling sluggish. I can't say why though. It may be simply a bad day, the fact that it's Monday, or not getting enough sleep. But a lack of caffeine is absolutely a factor in it. I have felt on edge as well. I feel a barely suppressed irritation at everyone and everything. While I'm not snapping at anyone yet, I can envision a day where this could happen.

I also feel a little dimwitted. It's as though a fog is hanging over my brain, clouding my thoughts and actions. Everything feels just a little bit slower, and every action takes a little bit longer to do. I'm not as quick on the uptake as I normally am, I was definitely aware of that. Normally, my mouth is firing off quips (witty and otherwise) throughout the day. Today I got nothin', and I was more tired a lot sooner in my day.

The chicory drink has been very soothing. I like having a caffeine-free drink that is quick, easy, and flavorful. And I also like that it is still mild enough to drink black if you so choose. Make no mistake: it's not going to replace my wonderful, delicious coffee. But today I had a cup of chicory and a chocolate chip cookie. And it was pretty terrific.

....

..On the flip side, I found a tin of ground coffee at work today and eagerly inhaled deeply. I wanted to pour it all over my face. The smell was so strong that I swear I got a little bit of a buzz. This is as rough as I thought it would be. Just not all at once.

Venturing Out Into A Caffeine-Free Land

I was terrified of this day. Really, honestly terrified. I wondered what I would do with myself, how I would greet the day. But, in doing something dumb, I proved to be quite clever.

You see, one of my coworkers was also doing an alcohol free January. When we finished work (with 5 minutes until February 1st, so sue me people!), we decided to celebrate a month of sobriety...with a beer. Then we went to a friend's house and got totally, utterly, wasted.

When the smoke cleared and I awoke the next morning, mouth full of cotton, head throbbing, I was in no condition to think of coffee or anything else. I was far too focussed on merely existing. Thus my unintended brilliance: I was so out of it from my hangover I didn't ever feel the need for a coffee! It was impossible to separate my physical fatigue, the hangover, and my coffee cravings from one another, so I couldn't discern if that tired feeling I had was due to actual sleepiness or caffeine withdrawal. I'm overreacting, I know.

(As an aside, at brunch I had a cookie for the first time in a month. It tasted absolutely fabulous, but I legitimately had trouble eating it. After only a couple of bites, I was completely overwhelmed by the incredible sweetness of it. My girlfriend had a bite and concluded it was a tiny bit sweet, but no overly so. I had lost my tolerance for sugar! I'll bet it comes back soon though).

As I write this, it is the evening of the second, and everything preceding this sentence happened yesterday. Today, I felt a definite prolonged fatigue that cried out to be filled by a coffee or two. Luckily, I had anticipated this need, and purchased some coffee substitute. At your local health food store, you can purchase a mixture of chicory and rye, which is sold in what looks like an instant coffee jar that has noticeably larger grinds. I think they look like bran nibs. This mixture is made without coffee beans or tea leaves and thus has no caffeine!

But how does it taste? Well, in a word: satisfactory. The taste is like instant coffee but not quite the same. It's as though an alien or something were trying to recreate the recipe of a cup of coffee from someone's description. Close, but not close enough. Plus, there's no buzz, which is kind of the main point of coffee.

That said, you drink it warm, and can add milk to lighten it. And since it's just a warm drink, I can drink it anytime day or night! It definitely takes some getting used to, but I have had two cups already today and I feel I can manage if I can adjust (I hope).

February: The Coffeeless Month!

Hoo boy. This is gonna be tough one. I drink coffee religiously. I mean, as near to religion as I get. Whenever I'm happy, sad, distraught, confused, or just don't know what to do with myself, I drink coffee. The ritual of coffee is what I get up for in the morning, something I think about and love dearly.

And I have to give it up.

Let's be honest here: I drink it all the time because I love it. But truthfully I need it as well. I love to brew coffee at home and I have noticed that to get any sort of a kick out of it I have been gradually increasing the amount of coffee in each cup. Normally they recommend two scoops of grinds per average sized cup of coffee. After getting a coffee press, I gradually increased this to 3 scoops, then 4, and sometimes even 5.

In college (which ended about a year ago for me), I had to scale it down my usage from my usual truly frightening amounts. In the morning before the first class, I would drink a cup to get started. As that first cup did next to nothing but whet my appetite for more, I would have another on my class break. Then another at lunch. And another on my afternoon break. I wouldn't have another after school, unless I was working (I worked at a restaurant). Then I would have 1 or 2 more. But one of those would be decaf, so that doesn't count!

Something had to change. So I made a rule: no more than 3(!) caffeinated drinks in a day. And I've stuck to it ever since, with only 2-3 infractions in more than a year and a 1/2. Praiseworthy in one sense. But I stick very closely to that rule, and drink 3 virtually every day. I am an addict, and the only way forward is to go cold turkey. So here are the rules this month!

1. No Caffeinated Beverages. AT ALL.
To me, it defeats the purpose of a competition like this if you can take shortcuts. I don't drink tea very much, as I find it often smells completely delicious but is far too weak in flavor for me. But after a few days without coffee, I bet I'd be pretty eager for a tea. And so many sodas have caffeine in them, as well as some beers and chocolates. My girlfriend even bought some soba noodles that had been infused with green tea. They are all as of February a no-go. And, as decaffeinated does mean caffeine free, I am not allowed that either.

That's the only rule this month! Simple and to the point. I have so much anxiety over this one that it is scary. I feel like the moment this starts, I will curl into a fetal ball and start to weep. Loudly, and without restraint. But I am going to do it anyways, because this is the year I conquer all my addictions, one at a time.

So if you see a strange man sitting across from you gazing longingly at your coffee cup with tears in his eyes or standing in the front door of your favorite coffee shop inhaling deeply, have pity. I'm very nice, and am probably having a rough day.