Resisting Temptation

I had some chicken fingers the other night. Now, if you've ever had chicken fingers before, they always,  always come with plum sauce. This all sugar sauce is the perfect dip for the salty deep fried treat.

And of course, I couldn't eat it. No biggie by this point. Some of the sauce had spilled, and in order to decontaminate the rest of the food I separated it. But some of the sauce got on my fingers, and I unconsciously went to lick it off my fingers. I caught myself and tried to wipe it off. I didn't get it all, and again went to lick it off my fingers. Again I caught myself and wiped it off, but absentmindedly went to shove my fingers in my mouth. This series of events made me crazy, frustrated, and ready to quit.

But why? What made me feel so ridiculously anxious over such a banal event?

I wondered about this, and I came to a realization about myself. I'm very impulsive by nature and very short on planning. I'm not all id, but definitely short on superego. While I'm certainly not disorganized, I am very disinclined to make anything beyond the most basic preparations for any event or activity.

This extends into my eating habits as well. I don't plan at all. I go by my cravings and eat whatever suits my fancy. My diet is generally not great, but I keep active so it generally evens out. Mostly. Or I like to believe.

But restricting my diet has forced me to break this life-long habit, and you know what they about habits. I am remarkably unused to having limitations placed upon me. I hate waiting, and will leave restaurants if there is any sort of line.  I even get annoyed if I'm in a crowd and can't walk at my natural pace, unreasonably so.

I am trying to break a mental dependency, not a chemical one. It is very, very difficult for me at times and I believe is the reason I have low moments. When you're at home and can easily control your diet, no problem, But when you're out in the world and have to grab a bite, it can be very difficult. Often, employees at restaurants and food court kiosks have no idea whether or not there's sugar in the food. I don't mean to disparage them in any way; I've worked in restaurants for a long while, and couldn't tell half of the ingredients in the food I serve. But sugar is so ubiquitous in our food, you can really never be certain.

I encountered this problem at lunch yesterday at a mall food court. I am a huge eater, and need a large amount of lunch. I could find no options that I could definitively say were sugar-free. As I've learned, you can never be too sure, especially where large franchises are concerned. In the end, I ate nothing, not able to find an option that would suit me.

Which brings me back to the chicken fingers. I felt so utterly defeated in that plum sauce encrusted moment from what I perceived as a lack of options. You can get it out of your body, but you can't get it out of your soul.